I work, as many of you may know, in Campus Ministry. Usually this place is filled with loud fun hungry people. This week however has proved to be quite the exception. There is one person sitting in here, a nice guy, but he is doing his homework and not talking. All I can hear is the ticking of the clock and my own typing. I’m kind of tempted to jump up and do a crazy dance just to lighten the mood.
I let you all know that I am writing for my school’s newspaper, The Belltower, now so I thought it right that you all get to read my first article.
We decided to put out a special Halloween edition, writing about crazy things.
A friend and I got the assignment of writing about the people who believe in lizard-men that rule the world. He was to write an article explaining why they are correct, and my article is why they are crazy.
‘Nuff said.
Does anything ever seem spookily similar to you about the most popular political figures of the times? No, it isn’t the rhetoric, the identical outfits, or the broken promises that are most alarming. These are probably just misunderstood customs shared by the political figures as, according to a very small number of conspiracy theorists, occultists, and ufologists; they all come from the same place. Outer space. That’s right, the connecting thread between Jesus, Bush, Ramses, Elizabeth II, and Hitler isn’t their radical ideas, it is their genesis as blood-drinking, shape-shifting aliens.
Wait a minute, “ufologists”? So the people who study UFO sightings are also the same people who are telling the world that we are controlled by evil vampire lizard aliens? I’m just saying…
The most outspoken supporter of the “Anunnaki” (the name of the vampire lizard aliens) is David Icke, an ex-pro football player and politician. I suppose after retiring from football, and getting nowhere in politics, the best way to stay in the public eye is to become a conspiracy theorist. It certainly seems to pay well.
Other than drinking blood, and wasting their time bossing around lousy earthlings, what is it that these aliens do? Well I found scores of purported evil plans on David “Icky” Icke’s site to destroy the human race ranging from 9/11 to swine flu. That’s right; swine flu was engineered in a lab, and spread to the human population so that they can be “culled” and 9/11 was a warning from the extraterrestrials.
The only “evidence” supporting this lizardmen theory? Some poorly photoshopped eye-witness photos and drawings, and books written by ex-politicians. The photos I saw were generally of two different varieties: the first were pictures of political figures snapped in the middle of speeches so their eyes were open and tongues slightly out. The second were painfully primitive mash-ups of politician’s faces on lizard’s bodies. And the eye-witness drawings? They looked an awful lot like the doodles Jake Kinderman was working on in class last week. I couldn’t find anybody on campus who thought that the pictures looked real or who agreed with the reptile-alien theory. I did, however, find a Facebook group that supported Icke’s theories. So I guess I must have judged too soon, because anything on Facebook must be real.
Icke has, I fear, overlooked the tiniest of flaws in his theory. If these aliens really are controlling humans, and are evil, then I am sure they would not want their plans to be exposed by someone with as much clout as Icke. Unless, of course, the aliens are just planting these doctored photos and conspiracy theorists as red herrings to turn the mass public away from the truth. I guess we’ll never know. Touché, reptilian humanoids, touché.
Jake is the guy writing the other article. So while this isn’t really journalistic writing, it was fun, and a nice welcome to staff. Next one will be far more serious.
On another front.
I have this amazing friend who I have done shows with before but who just came to SMU this year, and he is going to be a pop sensation we’ve decided. His most famous song at our school right now is “Booty Call.”
He’s a genius.
We’re forming a band. His name is G-Force, mine is Mama Schnabs, and our third member’s name is Duchess.
I’m writing a song as well. It is a jazz/pop mixup and is sufficiently trashy to be a hit, but not too bad to be embarrassing. I’m pretty stoked. When I’m done I’ll upload it.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Emilie